Tag Archives: tired

The Journal of Dreams 02/17/2010

Feeling a little tired.  I am working the mid-shift in the “Emergency Room” when the world wakes up and decides it is time to come see the doctor after about a year!  But I am focusing on the P O S I T I V E!

It seems the right top canvas that was buckling or warping has resolved…mostly.  I made it a practice every morning and night to re-tack it into place.  I am happy, thinking I might have had to replace it.

I will start painting after a day of rest.  I worked 6-12 hour shifts in 7 days which equals 72 hours not counting the before and after time.  When I work like this, it feels like I am getting the flu or something but it goes away after rest.

Thinking about sketching a few things on the canvas but when I started, I felt irritable.  It is not good to sketch when you are irritable, nothing will ever look right.  I will wait one day.

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The Journal of Dreams 02/02/2010

It is Groundhog Day today and the sun isn’t up yet.  I love winter but not when my life is unstable.  The cold and dreariness makes it difficult to step out of the house.  I haven’t worked in several days and fear of the future is wearing thin.  Often times I wonder if my life is so difficult because I seem to live it against the grain.  My motivation is sinking…not depression just tired-tired of thinking and thinking.  My mind is on an endless rollercoaster ride that never stops.  Sometimes when it is bad like this, I seek religion.  Today I will buy a medallion of St. Michael, the Archangel to protect me from negativity, to protect The Revelation Painting, and to help me shake these bad feelings of being conquered.  Believe it or not, sometimes I think about tearing up the canvases of the painting and leaving it all behind.  It must be the gypsy in me that has forever kept me moving.  It is true that a rolling stone gathers no moss.  At least if I were working, taking care of people, I would feel better.  I miss the people.

The Journal of Dreams 01/05/2010

Oh man…I got up at 5pm, drank 4 cups of coffee, watched it turn into night within 30 minutes of getting up, laid on the couch looking at that damned black horse.  I turned over and went back to sleep until 8pm, forced myself to get up and stay up.  My eyes remained blurry and felt like paper cuts were in them, I made more coffee.  Google images is the most excellent source for research.  After searching black horses, red horses, white horses, painted horses, sketched horses, reared horses, horse’s heads and just about any aspect of a horse there is, I began painting over the black horse again.

It took about an hour to thinning cover him with white once more.  I believe that canvas is going to be double its original weight!  I have used 3-4 ounce bottles of white paint covering and recovering the 30 or so legs and maybe 12 heads and partial bodies…amazing.  This time I covered him completely.  Tonight I will paint the horse-period….to be continued…

It is 5am and the black horse’s base is done and he looks majestic!  How it began was as usual, the brush tightly in my hand, afraid to be free but then I realized:  If I make a mistake, I will just paint over it, it is not so hard…lolol.  So here I am standing there, tired beyond tired looking at the massive space I have to paint him in.  I start with the brush low, in my left hand (I am left-handed), at about the level of my ribs.  I hold it with 2 fingers instead of my entire hand and let go!  I let the brush go where it wanted to in a soft, flowing way up the hind quarter, to the rear, across the back and into the shoulder as far up as I could reach.

Standing there wobbling on my tiptoes, I let the brush drop and paint splashed all over.  I stood back and looked at the frame of the black horse and was finally pleased.  I cleaned up the mess and got on the step stool using the same technique for the head and neck.  The head was not right, so I did it again, and again and again.  I wanted the horse’s head down in a loyal, powerful pose.  I had tried it up but he was too close to the locust ascending from the bottomless pit, they were eye to eye.  I left the head off and took the canvases down to work on the detail of the body; thousands and thousands of swirls and texture highlighted in metallic blue.

The Journal of Dreams 01/03/2010

I work at night, thirteen hours in a very fast paced and busy emergency room.  I have been a nurse longer than I have been a painter.  Sadness overwhelms me often times when caring for sick people.  There was a time in my life when I had no respect for life, drove my car 168 miles an hour, tested destiny and lived like there was no tomorrow.  It was during that time I attempted to sketch The Revelation Painting several times and finally came to the solid conclusion that I had not earned the right.

After becoming a nurse I went straight into the critical care and emergency areas.  It was high paced, high stress, and in dealing with life and death on a daily basis, after five years my respect for life changed.  I found myself telling people how stupid it was to drive a car over the speed limit.  Images of torn and broken bodies were stamped into my memories and I had become a changed person.  It was also during this time I began having episodes where I would go blind for 30 minutes at a time.

Stress was taking a toll on me.  The blindness was induced by migraines without the immediate pain, at least until the next day where 1/2 of my brain felt as though it had been crushed!  During this time I began to gain weight and my signature even changed.  When a person’s signature changes, it is considered a major life event.  I had not even thought about The Revelation Painting for several years, favoring writing poetry, learning to paint independently and planning to publish a book.

The truth of the matter was that I knew Nursing was not what I wanted to grow old doing.  I began searching for a way out.  I thought that travel nursing would give me an opportunity to find a place where I felt at home as a nurse, where I could back off of the high stress, go back to school and move forward instead of breaking my back, not sleeping well, smoking more, not managing my finances, essentially living like a life-saving zombie.  I was saving everyone but killing myself.

At work one night I was in a hurry and didn’t know how to use a piece of equipment.  I was taking care of a full blown, dying HIV patient and through my own ignorance ran a needle full of blood all the way up my index finger.  It did not penetrate my finger but I was closer to dying than ever in my careless life and I recognized it.  I came home and when I went to bed, I prayed and thanked God for the first time in my life that day.

When I woke up the memories of Revelation were fresh on my mind for the first time in a long, long time.  I saw the creatures with eyes all over their wings clearer than I ever had.  I sat down and sketched them and they were perfect!  That was the awakening of a sleeping dream and when the painting rekindled the passion for it in my heart.  Beginning to look ahead and into the future, I began working on plans for the painting.  I had finally earned the right and I knew it.