Tag Archives: smoking

The Journal of Dreams 02/11/2010

My neighbor complained that I smoke too much today!  The guy is a Sony “Producer” I heard, from the office staff who came over to rant and rave about his complaint.  The complaint began after two months of listening to the female in the apartment walk back and forth, all day, everyday in high heels on a hardwood floor.  I imagined her watching herself in a mirror or something, a fetish.  What other reason would a woman leave her high heels on ALL DAY and walk back and forth.  Really? 

I read somewhere that the sound of women walking in high heels was studied in malls and that people bought more when the clickety-clack sound was the loudest…funny.  It must come from childhood and teachers or something, or maybe just the nervousness of the sound of a horse walking in the indoors…who knows.

The office told me to open my windows if I wanted to smoke.  Not only is it the dead of winter, rent at this apartment is $1400.00 a month and the electric bill this past month was $440.00…sure, I’ll open the windows!

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The Journal of Dreams 02/05/2010

This is what I have discovered about my health and the entry from yesterday.  There was a “Life Stress Scale” I learned about in nursing school.  Things which cause major life stresses are marriage, death, moving, divorce and a new job, and secondary stressors are diets, quitting smoking or other addictions, financial problems (if not major), buying a home, car, etc…  I am starting a new job in 10 days so it is not wise to change my life in a way that I have control over like dieting and quitting smoking.

I will start the job and give it 2-4 weeks, I am very adaptable.  Then I will start the diet for 2-4 weeks, then attempt to quit smoking.  In the interim, I will subtly decrease calories and start drinking water.  Sometimes I despise water although we as humans are 70% water.  I have never really understood my diversion of water when it is so important.  Slowly increasing it by drinking a bottle a day, then two, until I am at a minimum of 4 a day (20oz) is good.  Historically I have been known to jump from the frying pan into the flames so I will be conscious of change.

Today I cheated a little on the painting and jumped to Scene V-The Devil.  It is said that he was a beautiful angel, a dragon, serpent, so I definitely know he had/has wings and he is “beautiful”.  I had started him long ago with his seven heads and ten horns.  The halting of my progress was trying to discover how 10 horns fit one 7 heads and which heads are affected.  I still have not figured that out.  When I have problems with the painting I try to dream of the solutions.  Long ago I dreamed that 3 heads were larger and primary and had 2 horns each.

This has become a waste of very expensive paint.  How I originally painted The Devil was by placing dabs of Golden (the most expensive paints) Acrylic approximately 6mm high.  After time I developed a strategy where a certain amount of time passed where the paint became almost dry and I would smash the dabs as flat as they would go.  When they flattened, they would be about 2mm-3mm high and irregular in shape resembling lizard skin.  It was perfect and an exciting technique for the texture of the serpent or dragon.

I had even learned to shadow the dragon by placing 1/2 red and 1/2 brown in a single dab which caused a darker and lighter side to each “scale” of his skin.  Currently there is an estimated $800.00 worth of paint creating what is completed.  The wastefulness is the change I am contemplating although I may be able to save much of what has been created.  It is the color (of all things) I am thinking of changing.  The good thing is red and green make brown and the brown is determined by the ratios.  Changing from red to green may not be too harsh because of brown.

The heads were like snakes but now I want them to look more like dragons, powerful with flared out necks like a raptor dinosaur.  The image is fresh in my mind but the transition is not.  Definite sketches will have to be done in order not to waste the paint already used. It is estimated that nearly $2000.00 or more will be required to created this “beautiful” beast.  It seems ironic that of any character in the painting, he will need the most attention which is typical of his attributes and somehow expected.  It will be interesting to see the outcome.

The Journal of Dreams 02/04/2010

Self evaluation has been on my mind lately.  I am getting old and since I work in healthcare, it is easily seen how diseases eat away at life.  Lately I have felt very fatigued which I contribute to smoking too many cigarette really.  When I am at home smoking is far more than at work.  At work, I smoke 3 cigarettes in 12 hours, maybe 4, but at home, I smoke a pack and sometimes two throughout the day when I am off.  Working or not, a carton of cigarettes are smoked a week, sometimes more.

Also, I am heavy, too heavy for a healthy body.  Although I do not think my cholesterol is high due to limited red meat intake, I am fat.  My job is very stressful.  That being said, there is one more thing.  I am female and am reaching the age where menopause starts.  For a woman, when menopause occurs important hormones end which protect us from heart disease.  Since heart disease is prevalent in my family, I now have a higher risk of death!

So I have four critical risk factors that are certainly killers.  It is time to make some changes.  It would be hell to complete this painting after all these years and fall over dead.  Just as I have made plans for this painting, essentially it has taught me a form of discipline by following through on goals in certain timeframes.  It is important to make certain goals for extending my life because now, I am a “dead man walking” and I am quite positive that is a fact.

Today I am not painting or working on the journals.  I am writing this blog then setting a course for victory against an adversary, what my mother called “the boogeyman”.  She told me a long time ago that he was after me which was quite disturbing but I looked at it with the typical:  “Yea sure, that happens to other people” attitude.  I’ve seen enough to know that if it isn’t you or the guy down the street, it is me…I am the other person.

I used to be quite athletic.  I was the pitcher for my softball team, used to run like the wind and was the fullback on the soccer team.  I won the trophy in high school for arm wrestling and beating everyone, male and female.  I was the greatest tomboy and fearless.  Not to admit to ever breaking the law, I could say that one time “I dreamt of driving a car 168 miles an hour”…;)  That would have been a foolish thing to do.  There is a value on life and today I will acknowledge it.

The Journal of Dreams 01/03/2010

I work at night, thirteen hours in a very fast paced and busy emergency room.  I have been a nurse longer than I have been a painter.  Sadness overwhelms me often times when caring for sick people.  There was a time in my life when I had no respect for life, drove my car 168 miles an hour, tested destiny and lived like there was no tomorrow.  It was during that time I attempted to sketch The Revelation Painting several times and finally came to the solid conclusion that I had not earned the right.

After becoming a nurse I went straight into the critical care and emergency areas.  It was high paced, high stress, and in dealing with life and death on a daily basis, after five years my respect for life changed.  I found myself telling people how stupid it was to drive a car over the speed limit.  Images of torn and broken bodies were stamped into my memories and I had become a changed person.  It was also during this time I began having episodes where I would go blind for 30 minutes at a time.

Stress was taking a toll on me.  The blindness was induced by migraines without the immediate pain, at least until the next day where 1/2 of my brain felt as though it had been crushed!  During this time I began to gain weight and my signature even changed.  When a person’s signature changes, it is considered a major life event.  I had not even thought about The Revelation Painting for several years, favoring writing poetry, learning to paint independently and planning to publish a book.

The truth of the matter was that I knew Nursing was not what I wanted to grow old doing.  I began searching for a way out.  I thought that travel nursing would give me an opportunity to find a place where I felt at home as a nurse, where I could back off of the high stress, go back to school and move forward instead of breaking my back, not sleeping well, smoking more, not managing my finances, essentially living like a life-saving zombie.  I was saving everyone but killing myself.

At work one night I was in a hurry and didn’t know how to use a piece of equipment.  I was taking care of a full blown, dying HIV patient and through my own ignorance ran a needle full of blood all the way up my index finger.  It did not penetrate my finger but I was closer to dying than ever in my careless life and I recognized it.  I came home and when I went to bed, I prayed and thanked God for the first time in my life that day.

When I woke up the memories of Revelation were fresh on my mind for the first time in a long, long time.  I saw the creatures with eyes all over their wings clearer than I ever had.  I sat down and sketched them and they were perfect!  That was the awakening of a sleeping dream and when the painting rekindled the passion for it in my heart.  Beginning to look ahead and into the future, I began working on plans for the painting.  I had finally earned the right and I knew it.