Tag Archives: finances

The Journal of Dreams 02/08/2010

Tired but happy I have a job and able to pay the bills.  The last 6 months of 2009 was bad for nursing work believe it or not which put me behind.  It is a wake up call for me to realize that even the people who know how to save a life are not really guaranteed work.  Too many times in the past year I have been close to homeless.  I figure I am earning the last part of this struggle through life in a hard way.  There are two reasons for it.  My education was most certainly through the School of Hard Knocks.  I have always been that way for me; resistant and rebellious.

The second reason was brought to light by my old father when he told me one time:  “Never forget your raisens,”  Which translated means “never forget where you came from no matter where you go in life or what you do.”  I have forgotten that before but not for a long time and often I have said truthfully that I lived better, had more control of my life and finances, and felt happier working at McDonald’s.  I knew when I worked, what would happen, what I would do, when I got off and when I got paid.  Often times I thought about going back to a job where I had time for the people. 

It seems hard to believe for the average bear but when you make more money, your life changes and you need more money and when you get paid daily, you really get screwed up because there is always some money in your pocket unless there is no work.  So the money you spend the day before frivolously, just might be the money you need to pay the light bill.  And for the back to the people part of it, being a nurse is like herding cattle.  You do not feed the sick and weary souls or your own soul, you feed the machine.

So why don’t I take a full-time job after 17 years?  Well it all started 17 years ago when I went on a quest to find a home, a job where I would feel happy and make friends…a life.  Seventeen years later and so many cities I lost count (maybe 200 or more), I still haven’t found a home.  I work hard, I do what is right, I am a team player and will break my back to do what need to be done but I cannot tolerate the bullshit of it all, blatant disrespect or one thriving off the others, like the machine.

When I went to nursing school, just as it is now, you are taught that it is a professional and respectful career.  If only one nurse or instructor had told me the truth of the matter, I may have been a doctor (although it is not much better than nursing), but most likely a lawyer.  My life would have been totally different.  Two years after I became a nurse I looked into medical school.  I had a plan to work in the mountains of West Virginia and provide healthcare to the poor by house calls and be paid by whatever they could afford. 

Before I became a nurse, I was shy, smiled all the time and my face turned red when I talked to people.  Now my face turns red in anger, I never smile, everything tears me up that deals with abuse of the system, the country, the people of the world.  It is my fault but I was a first generation college student, excited to find out I wasn’t as “stupid” as I thought I was and realized I had a chance.  It was one of the times I jumped from the frying pan into the fire without making an informed decision or evaluating my options.  It was all on me to figure it out.

Maybe the anger comes with growing up, but somehow I don’t believe that.  Maybe it is post traumatic stress disorder…I have seen a lot of real life things that belonged on Hellraiser or some other horror flick.  I work 13-15 hours (including to/from work), take an hour or so to go to sleep and chronically am deprived of sleep.  I know I don’t eat right, sometimes not at all in a 12.5 hour shift, just drinking Mountain Dew (a lot of nurses drink Mountain Dew, it is funny how they made “Code Red”…similar name to Code Blue)…Well, seven days until the new job starts.

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The Journal of Dreams 02/06/2010

My endeavor was and is to write everyday this last year of the painting to show how life and work; dreams and goals are affected by everyday life.  Today this is the effect:  I received a call from the new manager allowing me to work as an agency nurse to make some money before I start the job to catch up on the bills already due.  Agency allows next day or rapid pay, so what hours I work today are paid to me tomorrow, therefore I can pay the bills.  Once I start the job, I do not get paid for 2 weeks, so life and work is  a priority.  The next few days will be sparse for writing because work starts today!

The Journal of Dreams 02/03/2010

My daughter just said:  “People seem to forget the people who preserved our freedom and gave us the life we have today.  It was people like grandpa and those guys who spent years as prisoner’s of war…some spent two years and it might have only been two years but I bet it was the longest two years of their lives.”

I am proud of her, she recognizes the moral rights and wrongs of the world.  She doesn’t like to watch the news, she says it makes her sad.  When I watch it, it makes me angry.  She went on to say:  “It’s not the movie stars or football players who sacrificed for us, it is those guys, guys we don’t even know, guys we’ve never seen.”

She’s right you know.

I got a job today!  Some relief for us.  The manager even gave me extra agency days to help catch up on my bills.  Today is a good day and even a week without work and an uncertain future can take a serious toll on a person, a family but cannot measure anywhere near what it must be like for a family waiting for their father (or mother) to come home.  I thank God for what I have.

The Journal of Dreams 01/17/2010

The snow is falling today.  When I got off work this morning there were frosted snowflakes on the windows of my car.  While I waited for the car to warm up, I took pictures of them with my cell phone.  The colors where sparkling blues, greens, yellows, oranges, just about every color of the rainbow.  Although I was freezing and tired, it wasn’t too much to sit for 10 minutes trying to capture the sparkle and magic of it all.  I think that is otherwise known as “smelling the roses”.

I studied the amazing natural designs and stunning details.  The colors were what I imagined God to be in The Revelation Painting.  The closest thing I know to that effect is hologram glitter.  It has every color of the rainbow within it.  Diamonds of course have that effect to but are not only out of my reach, I do not think I would give diamond thieves the satisfaction even if I had the money for them.  Search blood diamonds and see the stories.

I will be moving the 4 canvases down today and replacing them with 4 wooden canvases and start working on God.  I imagine this morning inspired me to start working on it.  I was going to work in the other direction since some of the work on those canvases was done long ago.  Maybe it is a better approach to work from start to finish in the direction of the painting, as I have already seen that the black horse is bigger than my original sketch and measurements in The Journal of Measures.

The need to sleep is overwhelming almost every time I try to paint.  I have set goals and am forcing myself to paint even if I do not think I can.  In effort to get relief, I built a page into the website called GIVE/TAKE where not only did I list the things needed to complete the painting, but I listed avenues for corporate sponsorship.  Hopefully someone will take an interest in the painting and support me enough to allow for restful painting instead of fatigued painting.  I am prepared either way.

The Journal of Dreams 01/09/2010

There are many things I still need to complete the painting.  I wrote movie stars, corporations, churches and the response was ZERO!  I really do not expect a response anymore and as I stated before, I am not religious but I am learning to make my own decisions.  I suppose how we treat each other is what is ailing me, how our priorities are about “me” and to hell with the rest of the world!  When did all of this happen?  Working in the inner city trauma centers, it is easy to feel as though everyday is a battle.  The moment you step through the door, you are at war!  Yet people think that it is a privilege for someone to save your life when it is the other way around.  This country has lost the simple humbleness of human nature.  

I did something the other day after seventeen years as a nurse that I never thought I would do.  When a patient demanded that I give her morphine because she ran out of money for her heroine.  I thought:  “Who does she think she is?”  She doesn’t work, drains the system, my taxes pays for her addiction, her ambulance rides, her entire life!  She demands drugs, treats people like shit, calls us cunts and whores, so I asked her:  “Do you need morphine?”  She said:  “YES, you stupid fuck.”  I said:  “Your realize I can do that for you-right?”  Her eyes went down, she knew she had overstepped the invisible boundary.  I continued…I said:  “I can save your life, YOUR LIFE!  What can you do for me?”  She started crying and I walked away.  The doctor didn’t give her morphine and she put her clothes on and went to the next hospital.  

Like these medical shows where people make a million dollars an episode to act like us, yet we can save their lives!  What about the athletes who make millions and we can save their lives too.  Look at all the actors and musicians who are dead from drug overdoses.  Could it be that they have just a little too much money and needed something to spend it on…I mean really, how many things can you buy a Saks’ Fifth Avenue before there is nothing left to buy…really?  

Who thought Tiger Woods was a saint-you?  I know I surely didn’t!  A sex fiend with so much money he doesn’t know what to do with it!  Do you have enough money to pay your rent for 6 months if something happened to you?  What about a year if you needed to?  That is the problem, you have enough today so you go watch a $15.00 movie and line the pockets of someone who DOES NOT give a damn about you.  America makes icons of dope addicts just because they have talent that appeals to them, is there not more to life?  

Profound inspiration exist in a world not so far from your own!  

Pulitzer Prize Photo-Kevin Carter (photographer) who at 33 committed suicide

 

I believe that America is the great whore in Revelation.  When You read it, New York City and other equivalent cities come to mind and those cities have something in common.  New York is the money capital of America, even Wall Street is there.  The Statue of Liberty (having a golden cup in her hand full of abominations and filthiness of her fornication).  I spent my life walking around blind with 20/20 vision, and finally I am beginning to see!  

http://www.essortment.com/all/statueoflibery_rnvz.htm  

Originally the Statue of Liberty meant freedom, a safe harbor for all who would come to America, but over time she has become the icon for nonetheless, true filth and abominations of the earth compared to the time of her origination.  It was not meant to be this way.  I watched a show, something about the Free Masons and a murder and the symbols behind the Statue of Liberty.  

http://www.google.com/search?q=free+masons+statue+of+liberty&sourceid=ie7&rls=com.microsoft:en-us:IE-Address&ie=&oe=  

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&rls=com.microsoft%3Aen-us%3AIE-Address&q=free+masons+statue+of+liberty+murder&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&oq=  

It is not a human being described, it is what the city stands for:  

The “great whore”, of the biblical book of Revelation is featured in chapters 17 and 18.  Many passages define symbolic meanings inherent in the text.  

17:4 And the woman was arrayed in purple and scarlet colour, and decked with gold and precious stones and pearls, having a golden cup in her hand full of abominations and filthiness of her fornication:
17:5 And upon her forehead was a name written, MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH.
17:6 And I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the blood of the martyrs of Jesus: and when I saw her, I wondered with great admiration.
17:9 And here is the mind which hath wisdom. The seven heads are seven mountains, on which the woman sitteth [King James Version; the New International Version Bible uses “hills” instead of “mountains”].   

From wikipedia:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Statue_of_Liberty
…it has been claimed that the seven spikes or diadem atop of the crown epitomize the Seven Seas and seven continents  

17:10 And there are seven kings: five are fallen, and one is, and the other is not yet come; and when he cometh, he must continue a short space.
17:11 And the beast that was, and is not, even he is the eighth, and is of the seven, and goeth into perdition.
17:12 And the ten horns which thou saw are ten kings, which have received no kingdom as yet; but receive power as kings one hour with the beast.
17:15 And he saith unto me, The waters which thou sawest, where the whore sitteth, are peoples, and multitudes, and nations, and tongues.
17:18 And the woman which thou sawest is that great city, which reigneth over the kings of the earth.  

The Journal of Dreams 01/03/2010

I work at night, thirteen hours in a very fast paced and busy emergency room.  I have been a nurse longer than I have been a painter.  Sadness overwhelms me often times when caring for sick people.  There was a time in my life when I had no respect for life, drove my car 168 miles an hour, tested destiny and lived like there was no tomorrow.  It was during that time I attempted to sketch The Revelation Painting several times and finally came to the solid conclusion that I had not earned the right.

After becoming a nurse I went straight into the critical care and emergency areas.  It was high paced, high stress, and in dealing with life and death on a daily basis, after five years my respect for life changed.  I found myself telling people how stupid it was to drive a car over the speed limit.  Images of torn and broken bodies were stamped into my memories and I had become a changed person.  It was also during this time I began having episodes where I would go blind for 30 minutes at a time.

Stress was taking a toll on me.  The blindness was induced by migraines without the immediate pain, at least until the next day where 1/2 of my brain felt as though it had been crushed!  During this time I began to gain weight and my signature even changed.  When a person’s signature changes, it is considered a major life event.  I had not even thought about The Revelation Painting for several years, favoring writing poetry, learning to paint independently and planning to publish a book.

The truth of the matter was that I knew Nursing was not what I wanted to grow old doing.  I began searching for a way out.  I thought that travel nursing would give me an opportunity to find a place where I felt at home as a nurse, where I could back off of the high stress, go back to school and move forward instead of breaking my back, not sleeping well, smoking more, not managing my finances, essentially living like a life-saving zombie.  I was saving everyone but killing myself.

At work one night I was in a hurry and didn’t know how to use a piece of equipment.  I was taking care of a full blown, dying HIV patient and through my own ignorance ran a needle full of blood all the way up my index finger.  It did not penetrate my finger but I was closer to dying than ever in my careless life and I recognized it.  I came home and when I went to bed, I prayed and thanked God for the first time in my life that day.

When I woke up the memories of Revelation were fresh on my mind for the first time in a long, long time.  I saw the creatures with eyes all over their wings clearer than I ever had.  I sat down and sketched them and they were perfect!  That was the awakening of a sleeping dream and when the painting rekindled the passion for it in my heart.  Beginning to look ahead and into the future, I began working on plans for the painting.  I had finally earned the right and I knew it.