Tag Archives: business

The Journal of Dreams 02/08/2010

Tired but happy I have a job and able to pay the bills.  The last 6 months of 2009 was bad for nursing work believe it or not which put me behind.  It is a wake up call for me to realize that even the people who know how to save a life are not really guaranteed work.  Too many times in the past year I have been close to homeless.  I figure I am earning the last part of this struggle through life in a hard way.  There are two reasons for it.  My education was most certainly through the School of Hard Knocks.  I have always been that way for me; resistant and rebellious.

The second reason was brought to light by my old father when he told me one time:  “Never forget your raisens,”  Which translated means “never forget where you came from no matter where you go in life or what you do.”  I have forgotten that before but not for a long time and often I have said truthfully that I lived better, had more control of my life and finances, and felt happier working at McDonald’s.  I knew when I worked, what would happen, what I would do, when I got off and when I got paid.  Often times I thought about going back to a job where I had time for the people. 

It seems hard to believe for the average bear but when you make more money, your life changes and you need more money and when you get paid daily, you really get screwed up because there is always some money in your pocket unless there is no work.  So the money you spend the day before frivolously, just might be the money you need to pay the light bill.  And for the back to the people part of it, being a nurse is like herding cattle.  You do not feed the sick and weary souls or your own soul, you feed the machine.

So why don’t I take a full-time job after 17 years?  Well it all started 17 years ago when I went on a quest to find a home, a job where I would feel happy and make friends…a life.  Seventeen years later and so many cities I lost count (maybe 200 or more), I still haven’t found a home.  I work hard, I do what is right, I am a team player and will break my back to do what need to be done but I cannot tolerate the bullshit of it all, blatant disrespect or one thriving off the others, like the machine.

When I went to nursing school, just as it is now, you are taught that it is a professional and respectful career.  If only one nurse or instructor had told me the truth of the matter, I may have been a doctor (although it is not much better than nursing), but most likely a lawyer.  My life would have been totally different.  Two years after I became a nurse I looked into medical school.  I had a plan to work in the mountains of West Virginia and provide healthcare to the poor by house calls and be paid by whatever they could afford. 

Before I became a nurse, I was shy, smiled all the time and my face turned red when I talked to people.  Now my face turns red in anger, I never smile, everything tears me up that deals with abuse of the system, the country, the people of the world.  It is my fault but I was a first generation college student, excited to find out I wasn’t as “stupid” as I thought I was and realized I had a chance.  It was one of the times I jumped from the frying pan into the fire without making an informed decision or evaluating my options.  It was all on me to figure it out.

Maybe the anger comes with growing up, but somehow I don’t believe that.  Maybe it is post traumatic stress disorder…I have seen a lot of real life things that belonged on Hellraiser or some other horror flick.  I work 13-15 hours (including to/from work), take an hour or so to go to sleep and chronically am deprived of sleep.  I know I don’t eat right, sometimes not at all in a 12.5 hour shift, just drinking Mountain Dew (a lot of nurses drink Mountain Dew, it is funny how they made “Code Red”…similar name to Code Blue)…Well, seven days until the new job starts.

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The Journal of Dreams 02/01/2010

THANK GOD FOR CRAFT STORES!!!

I found myself slipping on the ice driving too fast to try to get to the craft store near my home in search of acrylic flakes of hologram.  I remember thinking it’s not worth a crash but then I remembered thinking Oh yes it is!  I was fearless relying on the greatest backer of this painting to keep me safe.  I imagined God watching me drive so fast on ice to get what I needed and shaking his head with a conniving grin on his face whispering “easy boy, easy”.

The size is big enough to capture the rainbow effect I am seeking.  They are like magnified glitter chunks ranging in geometric shapes around 4mm in size.  Seemingly slightly crushed and flattened back out, the minute creases and ridges capture and hold light from all angles so that the rainbow effect is luminous!  I will use this if nothing better can be found.  I had a dream last night about aurora borealis which is the coating (rainbow effect) on rhinestone.

Hours were spent looking at some of the most magnificent rhinestone in the world.  I found myself fascinated and thinking about all kinds of designs unrelated to The Revelation Painting.  I even downloaded a program which cuts stones in various faceted shapes.  Planning ahead to be a stone cutter, I was really caught up in the beauty of it all.  I deleted that program this morning as much as I want to do so many things, I just don’t have the time.

About seven years ago I was applying for Law School and was accepted in California.  I thought I could make the porcelain dolls I dreamed of in my spare time while working fulltime and going to Law School.  I even bought the books for the first 2 semesters, expensive business suits, a new computer…I was ready!  Then I entered an art show and was accepted.  Being encouraged to have the opportunity to do paint, my true passion, I dropped Law School.

I wrote some of the biggest art galleries in New York and after 6 weeks heard back and I was accepted for an entire year in residency.  Thinking my life would change I made frivolous plans to move to Manhattan.  I planned everything out, called “reputable” movers and got quotes, budgeted my money and waited until the last day on my lease to leave.  I had gotten rid of all my furniture and made my load fit in a 14 foot truck.

I took a travel job with good pay and the housing was set up, I googled and mapquested the area, the plans, and it seemed as though it would be a smooth transition.  I had money to last us a month or so, fill the new place with food, had maps of the subway system, planned to “go green” and stop driving and polluting the air.  Everything was set up perfectly and we were excited to get on the road and start our new lives!

The mover came and the quote changed to 4 times more than what he had originally quoted.  I did not have the money for that and I was as mad as hell.  That being said, I put everything my daughter and I owned in local storage with plans to get it out within two weeks.  We stuffed the car with what would fit and headed to Manhattan.  It took 4 days driving across the country to live my dreams.  I had never been to Manhattan…that was my first mistake.

We arrived and moved into a box of an apartment, essentially a storage room set up like an Ikea magazine ad.  It is amazing that a 300sf room can be labeled a one bedroom apartment!  I knew we were in trouble.  People don’t really drive in Manhattan and if they do, they pay around $400.00 or more a month to park their car in a garage because there is no place else to park it.  We lived within walking distance of SoHo, where the gallery was that accepted my art.

Needless to say, everything went wrong.  My car was robbed, I couldn’t get to the job by driving and going under the ground in the subway system was a nightmare.  I didn’t know where I was, where I was going, if my daughter was Ok…I tried to “be strong” but found myself in the absolute worst mess I had ever gotten myself into in my life!  One evening my daughter and I walked over to the gallery.  I remember seeing a sign that said by appointment only…I sat down and cried.

I never contacted the gallery.  My art was in storage 4 days away and I could not get it and even if I could there was no place to put it, I would end up leaving it somewhere.  My dreams were shattered, I had screwed up beyond screwing up.  Two years ago I finally got back to our belongings and put them into a truck promising I would never leave them behind again.  When I saw my art I cried so hard I lost my breath.

The Journal of Dreams-The Finale’

Today marks the twelfth year of the making of The Revelation Painting.  The official website goes up today and there have been countless hours spent looking forward and preparing for today.  I cannot believe today is here!  Although it is exciting, it is scary as well.  Today the realization hit me that it is serious now, more serious than it had been for these twelve years.  My mission is now etched in concrete and I alone am the master of its destiny.  What will it be like to awaken to the painting away from me a year from now, for the first time as it travels the world?  Like a child leaving home for the first time, I know it will sicken me.  What will it be like to go to sleep and not see the visions of what to paint tomorrow?

Time and creation is an odd thing for the human psyche.  This painting has become a part of me, my companion that I have toted with me for a lifetime.  Panic has not set in yet as I continue to enjoy the time I have to make this painting come alive.  I wonder if Michelangelo felt this way when he had to let go of his most magnificent works…forever?  Although I planned for the painting to travel to world with its messages, the world seems like a very huge place now and in the light of recent events globally, what if the turmoil of a country had a direct impact on the survival of the painting?  I just keep imagining pieces of the painting scattered among the ruins of a once vibrant city…an artist’ imagination.

Let me live for today and not let my imagination spoil my dreams.  Today will be spent with constant updating of social pages to increase the flow of people, awareness of the painting and to create a following.  I had run ads for a marketer who would work in their spare time (currently without pay), to promote the painting but received no response.  I can understand that simply because it is not their dream.  I imagine the value of the painting will soar and we could have made an arrangement.  Nevertheless, I will market it as best I can and try to build a network, offer incentives and maybe even ownership of pieces of the painting for a limited time.  That way people who are in need, will receive but not as charity.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life and yesterday is gone forever.  There are many things to do, many plans to make, secrets and mysteries to blend into the painting and time continues to tick forward.  Life truly passes in the blink of an eye, and before I know it, this year will end and it would seem as though a dream.  I am up for the challenge and will consciously acknowledge everyday, several times a day so that it does not pass in the blink of an eye for me.  It is important to become organized and follow a strategic plan, to have goals and meet them, evaluate and reevaluate.  Today I will create a mission statement and follow it, I will look at the painting as not just art but as a business.