The Journal of Dreams 03/07/2010

I was remembering back, when I first found out about this New World Order stuff and the effect it had on me, I didn’t work for days, just couldn’t function.  Wondering then and still wondering if all my dreams and goals are just shit.  This stuff angers me, it destroys all I was ever taught.  It is dark and scary and still is.  Finding myself entranced for hours looking at videos on YouTube trying to disprove what I see.

I have said before, sometime in these many, many blogs that I have a problem with faith.  Having to see to believe, and I am believing this stuff, I know it is real.  In knowing that it is real, it is crushing me.  My motivation to paint is nearly gone although I try to spark the passion and to spill Truth-The Hemorrhage of Pigs!, all over God in Scene II…the urgency of everyday life takes priority.

To continue would take a fool, prioritizing dreams over reality wouldn’t it?  To continue everyday life like there will be a tomorrow and ignoring that tomorrow, the way I know life is as now may suddenly cease.  The stress of it is overwhelming.  How can a person sleep without having one ear constantly tuned to any noise, or stay asleep when there could be breaking news…

When my mother got sick I ran away from it, I did not want to see her deteriorate.  I wanted to remember her full of life and vibrant.  Finally getting over the guilt of leaving her and wondering if I had been around, would she still be here, I find myself doing it all over again.  Taking care of strangers, of people I don’t even know and who most certainly do not care about me and my well-being.

How can I continue this charade when me and mine are at risk?  What if tomorrow everything I know changed, would I be ready?  What if tomorrow, I found someone kicking in my door, taking me to a concentration camp?  What if during the middle of the night I awaken to an earthquake by H.A.A.R.P?  What if, what if, what if…Am I supposed to be naive and trust that it will never happen?

I am believing there is a God, or something greater than us for sure.  In that belief, Revelation tells a great story-a prophesy.  I know that to be true beyond a reasonable doubt.  Even though I know this, I still have not set things straight with my maker.  There is no inner peace of a New City for me.  I have to question why?  Why am I the one to take on this great burden, lately it feels overwhelming.

I cannot remember the last time I really smiled or laughed and felt truly happy.  It seems as though if a person were doing “God’s Work”, the happiness would radiate from them like sunshine…doesn’t it?  I cannot say that I have become God-fearing but i can say that I have become man fearing and what used to be plans for the future have become plans for daily survival beyond this nightmare.

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