Monthly Archives: February 2010

Protected: The Journal of Dreams 02/28/2010

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Advertisements

The Journal of Dreams 02/27/2010

I made a coupon for Facebook regarding the STOCK CARDS.  It is my last attempt to sell them. On  March 31st, I will remove them from the Official site.

The Revelation Painting

Buy a Revelation Stock Card and get 10% off.

In effort to give everyone an opportunity to participate in a substantial way to the creation of this painting and in the spirit of “paying it forward”, stock cards have been issued and you can get yours for $110.00 toward the completion of this painting. This offer coincides with the levels on the GIVE/TAKE page. Levels 1 and 2 will still apply for your purchase, and are limited to 5 stock cards per individual in order to give other individuals and families a fair opportunity.

By purchasing this STOCK CARD, you realize that just as in “real” stock investments, the market fluctuates and there are no guarantees on your investment return. Read the information on this website and discover the magnitude of this project and make an informed decision. As the artist, I project that this painting IS history in the making and honest effort is being projected to make a significant income for all involved.

See the UPDATES page for details and how to purchase:

http://www.therevelationpainting.com

Program rules and restrictions apply where applicable by law.
You will be contacted with specific directions and request for your physical address in order to receive the STOCK CARD by USPS delivery confirmation.
No coupon necessary 03/01/10-03/31/10.

The Revelation Painting
Fine Art history in the making.

Expires: 2010-03-31

The Journal of Dreams 02/26/2010

While spending the majority of my life in “professional” environments, I noticed that there are missions and philosophies connected to dreams and ambitions.  I have created a rough philosophy for the painting:

The Philosophy of the Revelation Painting

Philosophy is the study of general and fundamental problems concerning matters such as existence, knowledge, values, reason, mind, and language distinguished from other ways of addressing fundamental questions (such as mysticism, myth, or the arts) by its critical, generally systematic approach and its reliance on rational argument.  The word “Philosophy” comes from the Greek φιλοσοφία [philosophia], which literally means “love of wisdom”.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philosophy

As noted in the definition of philosophy and —————

A simple and profound question to ask yourself is simply, why am I here?  The Revelation Painting helps to bring to light an answer to that question by subjecting the viewer to a combination of factors that overlap in the world we live in.  In order to see why we are here, we have to see the world around us.  There is a significant difference in “seeing” and understanding, it is a global effect.  We can look at every single detail but miss the entire forest because of the trees.  To understand, such as how the forest survives, you must understand the delicate balance of life but you cannot think that you understand if you do not see the “big” picture, otherwise it is no less than walking around blind with 20/20 vision!

How the problems in the philosophy are addressed throughout The Revelation Painting is approached through certainly what would be termed an unconventional route.  Artist throughout history have used their talent to help their audience see life through a perspective very different from what they are accustom.  People are attracted to the different view of the world gazing through the artist’s eyes mainly because it is an escape from the world they are used to or literally trapped within.  The world of imagination can take anyone as far as they would like to go whether it is by their own hand, or that of an artist.  Often times an artist’ endeavor is to achieve a connection with the viewer.

Difficulty arises through expression whether it be an idea, placing a shadow correctly within a work of art, or most often bringing an idea to reality.  Historically the renowned artists are those who were able to achieve a connection with people through their art and master the difficulties associated, hence the “Masters”.  The Revelation Painting’s effort to master difficulties of projecting ideas to vision and within the painting is a core network projecting the delicate balance of life in an unconventional way.  The blogs, journals and information associated with the painting was designed to help the viewer understand the complexity of the unseen network within the forest of this massive painting.

The Journal of Dreams 02/25/2010

Today I am working on the eyes of the eagle.  I didn’t realize the work in this section, it is going to get me behind due to time consumption.  Colored pencils will help in completing the detail.  I am undecided on just how detailed I want to go though, like small red veins in the eyes or not.  I need to create something like super fine silly string similar to fine threads that is magnetically drawn to the whites of the eyes and easily brushes off everything else!  Wishful thinking?

I chose Terra-Cotta for the wings of the eagle, it is a beautiful color, and I will shadow with Burnt Umber.  In thinking ahead, the colors should be able to play off one another in the other creatures since they are somehow connected.  The “human” face will be female-not male and her wings will be Apricot which matches the highlights of the eagle wings.  From there, now I am unsure but do know that the calf will be the one most in the light and closest to God in the painting.

The major dilemma here is the wings distortion due to the light.  I will have to place the wings first and keep bringing the light in where some of the wings show through, taking care not to lose the details of the eyes.  The best way to approach this would be to make a light rinse of white paint, create the shape of light coming in and work backwards to coat and re-coat the area until the white is strong enough to seem like light yet minimally opaque to let the wings show through.

There is a lot of planning in this section and high risk for error.  If the eyes and wings must be painted over, the underlying texture will disrupt the smooth, even flow of the white (6 coats) previously applied.  The real feather wingtips will also show through if painted over making the error highly apparent.  Regardless, thinking and working it out at a slow and meticulous pace should alleviate the anxiety I am feeling about this section of the painting.

The Journal of Dreams 02/24/2010

There was a guy on Twitter I used to speak to.  I told him about the Hemorrhage section of the painting and he wanted to know why I was angry with the church.  I told him and he does not speak to me anymore.  It made me question if I should drop this controversial section of the painting.

To help shake off the coldness from our “religious” interaction, I began to look up the candlesticks or lampstands of Scene II.  It was Exodus where I had previously found a detailed and descriptive blueprint sometime back.  I found myself reading other parts of Exodus and judgement.

I am more “religious” than I was when I began the painting and have a lot of respect or fear of the unknown.  I do not know if the bible is true and if it is, I will not make it into heaven and either will anyone I know.  Feeling that I should be conscientious of my critical judgements, I read on.

It is not difficult for me to see that I am critical of the actions and behaviors of my fellow-man.  I read about the “plank in the eye” and I imagine that I have a huge plank.  The world is filled with people who have planks in their eyes is an excuse.  I started thinking about looking at self and fixing me.

Anger is a big part of my life lately.  I am aware it is because of my judging people-simply put.  What is wrong is wrong and really it has been that way for hundreds of years and what do I realistically think I can do to change it when it all boils down to it?  Me helping me may be my best route for now.

The Journal of Dreams 02/23/2010

In trying to figure out the 6 winged eagle; the first of The Four Living Creatures I started with research.  It is important to understand what these creatures might mean.  I posted a question about that in a “religious” forum and was surprised at the response!  I was attacked as a forum spammer, like a crowd of wild banshee’s!  That behavior only solidifies my outlook toward the truth of the matter when it comes to religion and the hypocritical behavior associated with it!

Needless to say, I removed the post and did not return.  It seemed a better opportunity not to deal directly with hypocrites and to look at published information for my answers (not to say that it was not written by a hypocrite as well), at least I was not subject to being abused.  Peacefully I studied what the interpretations are of the creatures and found that each creature represents essentially the top of their kind in what their mission in life is.

It makes perfect sense to me.  I went into the scene without sketching, trying to let the pencil control the flow of what is was/is meant to be.  I had pulled the feathers out of the bag and placed them gently with a clear adhesive.  I wanted the wings to have a realistic quality.  Shortly after placing the feathers and starting to paint, I allowed myself to move forward quickly when I should have taken the time to create what I had seen in my imagination.

At first I was feeling happy with the results but found my attitude changing due to the unrealistic way the wings began to appear.  Individually the wings looked good but joined seemed wrong,  I will have to continue to see for sure because in the creature having 6 wings compared to 2, it is easy to feel as though it “doesn’t look right.”  I will continue until I am sure but have a sneaking suspicion I am not going to feel satisfied due to the awkward feel of 6 wings.

The Journal of Dreams 02/22/2010

Lose or Win

Hey you on the other side
I’ve cried a pint from the middle of my eye

Dancing in darkness, tears stream their faces
Though they’ve never been a part of social graces

Jumping just once, they believed they could fly
Bursting open on concrete, wet then dry

How horrible you say it must have been
But some things have to be tested

Lose or win

Today is a new day and today is the first day of the rest of my life.  I will spend the day painting and revitalizing my dreams and I refuse to lose!

The Journal of Dreams 02/21/2010

Sometimes I wonder what exactly I am trying to do here and if it really matters?  I am burning the candle at both ends and am not getting positive gratitude from all this effort, just anger.  I feel like it is all a joke sometimes.  I have made this a consumption of my life and maybe my priorities are screwed up.  I do not want to be a nurse anymore and keep telling myself, one more year.

I recently wrote a blog for the hemorrhage journal where I was shocked at the total number of people in the U.S and the world compared to the amount of views and minimal comments I receive and saw that I am smaller than a speck of sand in this world and that my dreams are even smaller than that.  I’m feeling frustrated, like I can never really rest, and if I do my dreams will end.

Then I think, if my dreams end that might not be so bad, but then what will drive me forward?  I will always wonder and regret.  I find myself already (and for a long time), already regretting time I have let slip away.  It is a difficult thing, letting go and dreaming.  Seeking and finding a healthy balance where I feel happy again would be fine, it is a simple goal but so hard to figure out.

If I closed it all down, would anyone but just a handful of people even notice?  What got me into this rapid pace is my father.  He is old, very old and I just wanted to show him the true magnificence of my dreams before he leaves this earth.  It is not for me, it never has been or it would have been done a long time ago.  Death never affected me personally until my mother died and she will never see my dreams.

I don’t know…

The Journal of Dreams 02/20/2010

There is a box of “STOCK CARDS” sitting here waiting for buyers…or to be given away.  My daughter scared me about the stock cards when she said, “What if the painting doesn’t make it?”  Am I still responsible to pay the people the appraised and depreciated worth of all the money I have sunk into it?  Imagine giving a card to help someone in their life and they turned around and sued you for the stated amount on the card.  People do it…

I contacted the Lawyers for the Arts but they could not help me,  I ran an ad on the GIVE/TAKE page on the Official website for Lawyer Services with no response yet.  My option is to hold on to the cards until I am sure and my endeavor is protected.  The legal aspects of the painting are not imagination or the fantasy of art, they are connected to my life and is serious business.  To move forward could have consequences which are unrecoverable.

The Journal of Dreams 02/19/2010

I have spent a lot of time thinking about the legal aspects of the painting.  It has been a month and a half since I listed the stuff the painting needs on the website and the STOCK CARDS.  It might just be a sign of some kind to take those things away.  I might be leading myself into trouble.

After researching the resources available to artist-for free to consult on legal issues, if it seems the better option, I will close the GIVE/TAKE page.  I have supported and funded this painting for 12 years and I can see it to completion independently.  Maybe the fiber optics will be my downfall but maybe not.

If push came to shove, I would physically go door to door for it.  Imagine tha artist at your door asking for a dollar donation toward fiber optic lights to light up God?  Would you give a dollar or tell the artist to get a job?  Sometimes I get really frustrated and my feeling get really hurt.

Maybe sometime in the next couple of months, I will ask for one dollar from everyone I enounter, everywhere I go and see if my countrymen can spare even a dollar to someone trying to make a difference.  It would be interesting to see.  I bet if I said I was a nurse I would get one.  I am going to go it.

The Journal of Dreams 02/18/2010

When you work a lot, you need a lot of energy, a.k.a ATP-the scientific word for it.  I drink a lot of Mountain Dew…a lot!  And I eat a lot of candy, real candy like hard, pure sugar, jelly beans (especially the thicker skinned ones and licorice ones), chewy pure sugar jaw-breakers and pure honey.  Sometimes when I make tea, I use pure raw sugar and put about an inch in the bottom to suck through the straw as I go.  I should be in the Guinness Book of World Records for it; most EVER sugar eaten!

With that being said, I have decided to add mysteries throughout the painting.  There is a place at the bottom of the homepage on the Official site that fits the information perfectly.  I am really unsure if Da Vinci ever placed mysteries in his paintings, I think people made it seem as though he did but it was a grand inspiration.  Another influence believe it or not was the movie Saw.  I am intrigued by the riddles in the movies.  That writer is admirable!  Imagine the fire in a mind that thinks like that?

I am going to have to figure out a way to mark the mysteries to draw attention to them.  There is a lot of information on the website and later ones.  I have kept the MySpace and Facebook up to date and even join some other art specific sites.  I figured any way to get the revelation name out there, the better.  I can’t seem to get any responses for a sponsor and am about to give up on that.  I will have to buy the fiber optics and thermochromics myself.  I also still need Bixbite and a lot of it.  I cannot afford that regardless.

The mysteries will be marked as such (((MYSTERY))), that is pretty noticable and draws attention to it.  That way if it was missed by any chance, it was meant to be I suppose.  I have to keep a log of the mysteries as well.  I had pulled a disclosed mystery from an earlier blog which I will show again later with this mark.  I am planning a great one for Martin Luther King but will have to see if it is usable after he is painted.  I am going to write backwards throughout the painting with lead pencil which will show up when x-rayed.  That will be neat!

The Journal of Dreams 02/17/2010

Feeling a little tired.  I am working the mid-shift in the “Emergency Room” when the world wakes up and decides it is time to come see the doctor after about a year!  But I am focusing on the P O S I T I V E!

It seems the right top canvas that was buckling or warping has resolved…mostly.  I made it a practice every morning and night to re-tack it into place.  I am happy, thinking I might have had to replace it.

I will start painting after a day of rest.  I worked 6-12 hour shifts in 7 days which equals 72 hours not counting the before and after time.  When I work like this, it feels like I am getting the flu or something but it goes away after rest.

Thinking about sketching a few things on the canvas but when I started, I felt irritable.  It is not good to sketch when you are irritable, nothing will ever look right.  I will wait one day.

The Journal of Dreams 02/16/2010

Last night I dreamed of many women riding horses at night.  The subtle blue midnight and white of the moon cast the Interference Blue highlights on their shadows illuminating them through the darkness.  They were beautiful, graceful and their horses ran in unison.  There were trees with many bright, white skeletons of human beings in them and as they moved their bones made a clacking sound against each other.

The horses caused a great stir among the skeletons but I was unable to understand why.  Thinking it was the thundering sound if their feet, I quickly designed a spongy ground that absorbed the sound but it did not put the skeletons at rest.  I tried to divert their anxiety by swinging from branch to branch like a great ape, but their heads and large, black, hollow eyes kept turning toward the horses.  The hollowness of the sockets made the eyes huge and fearful.

An overwhelming sadness came upon me when I saw the fear in their faces because of those big, dark, hollow eye sockets.  It was as though they were in fear of their very lives but I realized they had no lives, they were already dead.  And then something greater than myself helped me realize that they were not dead but very much alive and that just because something appears dead, its spirit lives on whether in skin or bones, or any other way.

It was one of those moments in life when a relief comes over you that you didn’t even realize the stress of until it is gone.  In life those moments are few and far between.  They are like figuring out the questions of the universe.  The answers are so profound that if you try to tell someone, it gets all twisted up and the thoughts fall apart, then the person you are trying to tell thinks you are crazy.

I figured out something once that had to do with the sun, the earth and people.  I was driving into the sun and it was bright, yet I was able to look straight into it.  In wondering how I was doing that, it dawned on me that the sun was not as far as it is supposed to be, that somehow it was a part of me, I felt that we were one for just an instant.  Its complication was confusing.

I tried to tell my daughter sitting beside me what I had just experienced but the deeper I got into what it meant, the more the story seemed not to make sense and the more I became confused about what, if anything I had seen.  I wondered if I had fallen asleep for a split second.  My daughter looked and me and said:  “Mom, you are crazy but I love you.”

The Journal of Dreams 02/15/2010

I am working today, excited about “job security” in these tough economic times.  In hoping there will be a future of mutual respect, I enter this new job with a positive attitude to develop a long-term relationship…Have to get my ducks in a row!

The Journal of Dreams 02/14/2010

Today is Valentine’s Day.  I woke up wondering where that all came from and it seems it comes from ancient Roman rituals, the customs of Victorian England and Saint Valentine.  It comes from Christian and Roman traditions and the Catholic Church recognizes three different martyred saints named Valentine or Valentinus.

One legend states that Valentine was a priest during the third century in Rome who secretly defied the orders of Emperor Claudius II when he ruled that single men made better soldiers than married men and Valentine performed “secret” marriages for which later he would be put to death.  

Another legend is that Valentine was placed in prison and fell in love with a young woman.  It is said before he died that he wrote a note to the love of his life and signed it:  “From your Valentine”.  That is where the phrase came from and is still used in modern times.

There are many stories and their ties are deep in Christianity, Catholicism, and the ancient Roman times.  Funny, I had never thought about it before and doubt I learned it in school but the stories are indeed inspiring and well worth the time to read.  http://www.history.com/topics/valentines-day

The Journal of Dreams 02/13/2010

Looking forward to my daily writing about the painting, I spend time imagining what needs to be covered with in this last year.  My focus is heavier on the blogs than the paintings and that could prove a tragedy.  The year is passing faster than expected and although some of the painting was completed throughout the past 12 years, it certainly was not enough to take the remaining year’s time lightly.

My decision to work backwards in the painting appeals to me.  I had focused on The Four Horsemen to complete first because of my diversion to drawing or painting horses.  I knew it would be difficult and felt to get that part out of the way would prove to be a great motivator while trying to work full-time and paint full-time.  After completion of Scene II, I will need to work backwards and finish Scene I.

I had a slight problem trying to work out Scene I entitled Jesus and John due to the simple fact that John was not visible because he was in “the spirit” which made the scene odd.  If someone were to look at it who did not know it was of Revelation and looked for John, they would be confused.  So finally after all this time, the answer became clear of how to fix the problem.

The “spirit”…there have been documented “sightings” of spirits mainly through Orbs.  Initially I was going to make a blurry circle of mist and still may do something similar.  But although an Orb looks more like a ball of light, the light is reserved for God in Scene II.  I cannot give the delegation of light to anyone but God, especially as close as they are located to one another in the painting.

So, John will appear similar to a cloud in a sphere shape.  Whiter around the edges and translucent within,  as I had learned when I taught myself how to paint clear balloons sometime back.  The effect of seeing what is behind him, through him will be a neat one.  There are 3 canvases, the left end of the painting to complete after Scene II is done, leaving 19 (some partially completed) to go!

The Journal of Dreams 02/12/2010

Started working on the Journal of Sketches some today to try to figure out these Four Living Creatures and their placement in the painting.  For sure, I will change the colors of the wings in each creature.  I am afraid my boredom will get in the way of progress.  I keep the canvas for Babylon near by just in case.  There is a lot of intricate work to do on that scene.

I was thinking a lot about my father today.  He is old now, 82.  I see a lot of people his age dying and I will miss him terribly.  He has been a major resource for me with the technical side of the painting, but moreover my life.  How many times do we think in our lives:  “I wish I would have spent more time with them?”  There is nothing keeping me from that really, just the risk of being trapped.

One time we were talking about “Cowboys”.  Since he was raised poor and on country music, he see’s a Cowboy as a rebel, a loner, and they have a good heart but a restless spirit.  I guess I see them that way too.  I told him I was going to get a red tattoo in block letters on my bicep that said:  COWBOY.  He laughed and said that I was a Cowboy.

Somehow I felt that I was going to cry because in that moment I realized that he does have some understanding of me if he knew that I considered myself as a Cowboy and that when he looked into my eyes as a baby, he must have known it then and that what I thought was “treating me bad”, was actually him teaching me what I would need to survive.  He must have known some Cowboys in his life.

The Journal of Dreams 02/11/2010

My neighbor complained that I smoke too much today!  The guy is a Sony “Producer” I heard, from the office staff who came over to rant and rave about his complaint.  The complaint began after two months of listening to the female in the apartment walk back and forth, all day, everyday in high heels on a hardwood floor.  I imagined her watching herself in a mirror or something, a fetish.  What other reason would a woman leave her high heels on ALL DAY and walk back and forth.  Really? 

I read somewhere that the sound of women walking in high heels was studied in malls and that people bought more when the clickety-clack sound was the loudest…funny.  It must come from childhood and teachers or something, or maybe just the nervousness of the sound of a horse walking in the indoors…who knows.

The office told me to open my windows if I wanted to smoke.  Not only is it the dead of winter, rent at this apartment is $1400.00 a month and the electric bill this past month was $440.00…sure, I’ll open the windows!

The Journal of Dreams 02/10/2010

Religion is a big thing in America and other parts of the world.  I am wondering seriously about intuition and Truth-The Hemorrhage of Pigs!  If I remove the idea from the painting, I will have lost a vital piece and ultimately the battle of good and evil will be lost as well.  The hemorrhage design is remarkable and will stun the audience but is it worth the controversy and since this is a religious painting, will I lose a major part of the audience?

The hemorrhage didn’t come about until September 2009 which I found odd.  It came from the H1N1 scare and other factors about the economic state of America.  Seeing it as a message sent from a greater source than myself, I was sure it was supposed to illuminate the events of the world, the social injustices, plans for the future and maybe even foretell the time of the apocalypse.  Could it have been that way, or is it that way?  What if I chose not to share these messages?

Could a person know the end of time?

There is a story within the hemorrhage that I have not told yet.  It is about the layout created 12 years ago and the similarities of the layout of the world recently uncovered in December 2009.  It was terrifying and remains that way.  It is a story of time passed, current time and end time.  According to the layout of the painting, we are  in Scene VI.  There are only 7 scenes in the painting.  Scene VI is Babylon (The Great Whore).

Somewhere in the bible it states that at the end of time sons and daughter will become prophets.  I do not think of myself as a prophet only a messenger being able to see into this painting and its true meaning which happens not to be Revelation as it seems but a true revelation of what has happened, is happening, and what is to come.  When I first became aware of what I saw, I wondered why I would continue the painting as my first instinct was to run for my life, literally.

It did not take long to realize there is nowhere to run to and no place to hide…or is there?

The Journal of Dreams 02/09/2010

Behind today, no real-time to talk about it.  Going to work.  I keep readjusting the heavy wood canvases, one particular canvas may be warped.  It pulls away from the wall and it is the upper corner.  Hopefully, once the paint (moisture) is on it, when it pulls away, if I keep up on it as it dries I will straighten it.  I will have to wait to paint on it until I am sure it is a viable canvas.

The Journal of Dreams 02/08/2010

Tired but happy I have a job and able to pay the bills.  The last 6 months of 2009 was bad for nursing work believe it or not which put me behind.  It is a wake up call for me to realize that even the people who know how to save a life are not really guaranteed work.  Too many times in the past year I have been close to homeless.  I figure I am earning the last part of this struggle through life in a hard way.  There are two reasons for it.  My education was most certainly through the School of Hard Knocks.  I have always been that way for me; resistant and rebellious.

The second reason was brought to light by my old father when he told me one time:  “Never forget your raisens,”  Which translated means “never forget where you came from no matter where you go in life or what you do.”  I have forgotten that before but not for a long time and often I have said truthfully that I lived better, had more control of my life and finances, and felt happier working at McDonald’s.  I knew when I worked, what would happen, what I would do, when I got off and when I got paid.  Often times I thought about going back to a job where I had time for the people. 

It seems hard to believe for the average bear but when you make more money, your life changes and you need more money and when you get paid daily, you really get screwed up because there is always some money in your pocket unless there is no work.  So the money you spend the day before frivolously, just might be the money you need to pay the light bill.  And for the back to the people part of it, being a nurse is like herding cattle.  You do not feed the sick and weary souls or your own soul, you feed the machine.

So why don’t I take a full-time job after 17 years?  Well it all started 17 years ago when I went on a quest to find a home, a job where I would feel happy and make friends…a life.  Seventeen years later and so many cities I lost count (maybe 200 or more), I still haven’t found a home.  I work hard, I do what is right, I am a team player and will break my back to do what need to be done but I cannot tolerate the bullshit of it all, blatant disrespect or one thriving off the others, like the machine.

When I went to nursing school, just as it is now, you are taught that it is a professional and respectful career.  If only one nurse or instructor had told me the truth of the matter, I may have been a doctor (although it is not much better than nursing), but most likely a lawyer.  My life would have been totally different.  Two years after I became a nurse I looked into medical school.  I had a plan to work in the mountains of West Virginia and provide healthcare to the poor by house calls and be paid by whatever they could afford. 

Before I became a nurse, I was shy, smiled all the time and my face turned red when I talked to people.  Now my face turns red in anger, I never smile, everything tears me up that deals with abuse of the system, the country, the people of the world.  It is my fault but I was a first generation college student, excited to find out I wasn’t as “stupid” as I thought I was and realized I had a chance.  It was one of the times I jumped from the frying pan into the fire without making an informed decision or evaluating my options.  It was all on me to figure it out.

Maybe the anger comes with growing up, but somehow I don’t believe that.  Maybe it is post traumatic stress disorder…I have seen a lot of real life things that belonged on Hellraiser or some other horror flick.  I work 13-15 hours (including to/from work), take an hour or so to go to sleep and chronically am deprived of sleep.  I know I don’t eat right, sometimes not at all in a 12.5 hour shift, just drinking Mountain Dew (a lot of nurses drink Mountain Dew, it is funny how they made “Code Red”…similar name to Code Blue)…Well, seven days until the new job starts.

The Journal of Dreams 02/07/2010

I know I had not planned to put pictures here and there are not pictures in the hand written journal but this is a ruby, a rough ruby.

This is my pig I received today.  It appealed to me for the section of the painting within a painting entitled:  Truth-The Hemorrhage of Pigs!  He will sit near me to remind me of what should never be forgotten.

The Journal of Dreams 02/06/2010

My endeavor was and is to write everyday this last year of the painting to show how life and work; dreams and goals are affected by everyday life.  Today this is the effect:  I received a call from the new manager allowing me to work as an agency nurse to make some money before I start the job to catch up on the bills already due.  Agency allows next day or rapid pay, so what hours I work today are paid to me tomorrow, therefore I can pay the bills.  Once I start the job, I do not get paid for 2 weeks, so life and work is  a priority.  The next few days will be sparse for writing because work starts today!

The Journal of Dreams 02/05/2010

This is what I have discovered about my health and the entry from yesterday.  There was a “Life Stress Scale” I learned about in nursing school.  Things which cause major life stresses are marriage, death, moving, divorce and a new job, and secondary stressors are diets, quitting smoking or other addictions, financial problems (if not major), buying a home, car, etc…  I am starting a new job in 10 days so it is not wise to change my life in a way that I have control over like dieting and quitting smoking.

I will start the job and give it 2-4 weeks, I am very adaptable.  Then I will start the diet for 2-4 weeks, then attempt to quit smoking.  In the interim, I will subtly decrease calories and start drinking water.  Sometimes I despise water although we as humans are 70% water.  I have never really understood my diversion of water when it is so important.  Slowly increasing it by drinking a bottle a day, then two, until I am at a minimum of 4 a day (20oz) is good.  Historically I have been known to jump from the frying pan into the flames so I will be conscious of change.

Today I cheated a little on the painting and jumped to Scene V-The Devil.  It is said that he was a beautiful angel, a dragon, serpent, so I definitely know he had/has wings and he is “beautiful”.  I had started him long ago with his seven heads and ten horns.  The halting of my progress was trying to discover how 10 horns fit one 7 heads and which heads are affected.  I still have not figured that out.  When I have problems with the painting I try to dream of the solutions.  Long ago I dreamed that 3 heads were larger and primary and had 2 horns each.

This has become a waste of very expensive paint.  How I originally painted The Devil was by placing dabs of Golden (the most expensive paints) Acrylic approximately 6mm high.  After time I developed a strategy where a certain amount of time passed where the paint became almost dry and I would smash the dabs as flat as they would go.  When they flattened, they would be about 2mm-3mm high and irregular in shape resembling lizard skin.  It was perfect and an exciting technique for the texture of the serpent or dragon.

I had even learned to shadow the dragon by placing 1/2 red and 1/2 brown in a single dab which caused a darker and lighter side to each “scale” of his skin.  Currently there is an estimated $800.00 worth of paint creating what is completed.  The wastefulness is the change I am contemplating although I may be able to save much of what has been created.  It is the color (of all things) I am thinking of changing.  The good thing is red and green make brown and the brown is determined by the ratios.  Changing from red to green may not be too harsh because of brown.

The heads were like snakes but now I want them to look more like dragons, powerful with flared out necks like a raptor dinosaur.  The image is fresh in my mind but the transition is not.  Definite sketches will have to be done in order not to waste the paint already used. It is estimated that nearly $2000.00 or more will be required to created this “beautiful” beast.  It seems ironic that of any character in the painting, he will need the most attention which is typical of his attributes and somehow expected.  It will be interesting to see the outcome.

The Journal of Dreams 02/04/2010

Self evaluation has been on my mind lately.  I am getting old and since I work in healthcare, it is easily seen how diseases eat away at life.  Lately I have felt very fatigued which I contribute to smoking too many cigarette really.  When I am at home smoking is far more than at work.  At work, I smoke 3 cigarettes in 12 hours, maybe 4, but at home, I smoke a pack and sometimes two throughout the day when I am off.  Working or not, a carton of cigarettes are smoked a week, sometimes more.

Also, I am heavy, too heavy for a healthy body.  Although I do not think my cholesterol is high due to limited red meat intake, I am fat.  My job is very stressful.  That being said, there is one more thing.  I am female and am reaching the age where menopause starts.  For a woman, when menopause occurs important hormones end which protect us from heart disease.  Since heart disease is prevalent in my family, I now have a higher risk of death!

So I have four critical risk factors that are certainly killers.  It is time to make some changes.  It would be hell to complete this painting after all these years and fall over dead.  Just as I have made plans for this painting, essentially it has taught me a form of discipline by following through on goals in certain timeframes.  It is important to make certain goals for extending my life because now, I am a “dead man walking” and I am quite positive that is a fact.

Today I am not painting or working on the journals.  I am writing this blog then setting a course for victory against an adversary, what my mother called “the boogeyman”.  She told me a long time ago that he was after me which was quite disturbing but I looked at it with the typical:  “Yea sure, that happens to other people” attitude.  I’ve seen enough to know that if it isn’t you or the guy down the street, it is me…I am the other person.

I used to be quite athletic.  I was the pitcher for my softball team, used to run like the wind and was the fullback on the soccer team.  I won the trophy in high school for arm wrestling and beating everyone, male and female.  I was the greatest tomboy and fearless.  Not to admit to ever breaking the law, I could say that one time “I dreamt of driving a car 168 miles an hour”…;)  That would have been a foolish thing to do.  There is a value on life and today I will acknowledge it.

The Journal of Dreams 02/03/2010

My daughter just said:  “People seem to forget the people who preserved our freedom and gave us the life we have today.  It was people like grandpa and those guys who spent years as prisoner’s of war…some spent two years and it might have only been two years but I bet it was the longest two years of their lives.”

I am proud of her, she recognizes the moral rights and wrongs of the world.  She doesn’t like to watch the news, she says it makes her sad.  When I watch it, it makes me angry.  She went on to say:  “It’s not the movie stars or football players who sacrificed for us, it is those guys, guys we don’t even know, guys we’ve never seen.”

She’s right you know.

I got a job today!  Some relief for us.  The manager even gave me extra agency days to help catch up on my bills.  Today is a good day and even a week without work and an uncertain future can take a serious toll on a person, a family but cannot measure anywhere near what it must be like for a family waiting for their father (or mother) to come home.  I thank God for what I have.

The Journal of Dreams 02/02/2010

It is Groundhog Day today and the sun isn’t up yet.  I love winter but not when my life is unstable.  The cold and dreariness makes it difficult to step out of the house.  I haven’t worked in several days and fear of the future is wearing thin.  Often times I wonder if my life is so difficult because I seem to live it against the grain.  My motivation is sinking…not depression just tired-tired of thinking and thinking.  My mind is on an endless rollercoaster ride that never stops.  Sometimes when it is bad like this, I seek religion.  Today I will buy a medallion of St. Michael, the Archangel to protect me from negativity, to protect The Revelation Painting, and to help me shake these bad feelings of being conquered.  Believe it or not, sometimes I think about tearing up the canvases of the painting and leaving it all behind.  It must be the gypsy in me that has forever kept me moving.  It is true that a rolling stone gathers no moss.  At least if I were working, taking care of people, I would feel better.  I miss the people.

The Journal of Dreams 02/01/2010

THANK GOD FOR CRAFT STORES!!!

I found myself slipping on the ice driving too fast to try to get to the craft store near my home in search of acrylic flakes of hologram.  I remember thinking it’s not worth a crash but then I remembered thinking Oh yes it is!  I was fearless relying on the greatest backer of this painting to keep me safe.  I imagined God watching me drive so fast on ice to get what I needed and shaking his head with a conniving grin on his face whispering “easy boy, easy”.

The size is big enough to capture the rainbow effect I am seeking.  They are like magnified glitter chunks ranging in geometric shapes around 4mm in size.  Seemingly slightly crushed and flattened back out, the minute creases and ridges capture and hold light from all angles so that the rainbow effect is luminous!  I will use this if nothing better can be found.  I had a dream last night about aurora borealis which is the coating (rainbow effect) on rhinestone.

Hours were spent looking at some of the most magnificent rhinestone in the world.  I found myself fascinated and thinking about all kinds of designs unrelated to The Revelation Painting.  I even downloaded a program which cuts stones in various faceted shapes.  Planning ahead to be a stone cutter, I was really caught up in the beauty of it all.  I deleted that program this morning as much as I want to do so many things, I just don’t have the time.

About seven years ago I was applying for Law School and was accepted in California.  I thought I could make the porcelain dolls I dreamed of in my spare time while working fulltime and going to Law School.  I even bought the books for the first 2 semesters, expensive business suits, a new computer…I was ready!  Then I entered an art show and was accepted.  Being encouraged to have the opportunity to do paint, my true passion, I dropped Law School.

I wrote some of the biggest art galleries in New York and after 6 weeks heard back and I was accepted for an entire year in residency.  Thinking my life would change I made frivolous plans to move to Manhattan.  I planned everything out, called “reputable” movers and got quotes, budgeted my money and waited until the last day on my lease to leave.  I had gotten rid of all my furniture and made my load fit in a 14 foot truck.

I took a travel job with good pay and the housing was set up, I googled and mapquested the area, the plans, and it seemed as though it would be a smooth transition.  I had money to last us a month or so, fill the new place with food, had maps of the subway system, planned to “go green” and stop driving and polluting the air.  Everything was set up perfectly and we were excited to get on the road and start our new lives!

The mover came and the quote changed to 4 times more than what he had originally quoted.  I did not have the money for that and I was as mad as hell.  That being said, I put everything my daughter and I owned in local storage with plans to get it out within two weeks.  We stuffed the car with what would fit and headed to Manhattan.  It took 4 days driving across the country to live my dreams.  I had never been to Manhattan…that was my first mistake.

We arrived and moved into a box of an apartment, essentially a storage room set up like an Ikea magazine ad.  It is amazing that a 300sf room can be labeled a one bedroom apartment!  I knew we were in trouble.  People don’t really drive in Manhattan and if they do, they pay around $400.00 or more a month to park their car in a garage because there is no place else to park it.  We lived within walking distance of SoHo, where the gallery was that accepted my art.

Needless to say, everything went wrong.  My car was robbed, I couldn’t get to the job by driving and going under the ground in the subway system was a nightmare.  I didn’t know where I was, where I was going, if my daughter was Ok…I tried to “be strong” but found myself in the absolute worst mess I had ever gotten myself into in my life!  One evening my daughter and I walked over to the gallery.  I remember seeing a sign that said by appointment only…I sat down and cried.

I never contacted the gallery.  My art was in storage 4 days away and I could not get it and even if I could there was no place to put it, I would end up leaving it somewhere.  My dreams were shattered, I had screwed up beyond screwing up.  Two years ago I finally got back to our belongings and put them into a truck promising I would never leave them behind again.  When I saw my art I cried so hard I lost my breath.